I enjoy reading and laughing at church bulletin bloopers. I came across several new bloopers. At least they are new to me. I hope you enjoy my latest additions to this vital genre of the written language.

• It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.
• The Sunday night men's Bible study will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.
• Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.
• The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
• (An unfortunate blooper during the pastor's illness) God is good! Dr. Hargreaves is better!
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.
• Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
• On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.
• There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.
• Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.
• The concert held in the fellowship hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the pastor's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
• (After the church maintenance man left a note with the church secretary that read “van battery dead,” these words were in the bulletin the next Sunday) Pray for the family of Van Battery who died this week.
• When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
• Men's prayer breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

Please feel free to contribute to the list. I love bulletin bloopers!

12 things Pastors WON'T Hear in Heaven

 

Borrowed Light has a list of 12 things a pastor will not hear in heaven.

I’d really hate to waste my life on things that aren’t significant. Occasionally it is good to step back and wonder about the types of the things you probably will not hear in heaven. So I imagine a scenario where someone that the Lord has called me to shepherd walks up to me in heaven and says, I sure wish that you’d have…
Here are 12 things I doubt would fill in that blank.

1. I wish you’d have shown me more rapture charts
2. I wish you’d have told me steps to making more money
3. I wish you’d have prepared me for what heaven looks like
4. I wish you’d have settled those theological debates
5. I wish you’d have done funnier skits in our worship service
6. I wish you’d have pushed for a bigger building
7. I wish you’d have talked more about politics
8. I wish you’d have preached much shorter sermons
9. I wish you’d have worn ties (or cooler jeans for our postmodern crowd)
10. I wish you’d have given us better pop-culture references
11. I wish you’d have made our worship ambiance better and the transitions smoother
12. I wish you’d have spent the money to fix that pot-hole in the church parking lot

I could probably keep going. Some of these things might be important and they might even be a means to serve and assist people in worship. But they are not ultimate. What I don’t want to fill that blank would be, “I wish you’d have pointed us to Jesus more. I wish you’d have prepared us for heaven better. I wish you’d have preached more to root out sin and unbelief. I wish you’d have encouraged us to lay down our idols more.” Those are the things I don’t want to hear.
What I do want to hear is the sweet and grace filled words of the Chief Shepherd, “well done good and faithful servant”.