Short Sermons...and you thought it not possible.

APHORISMS: 

SHORT, POINTED SENTENCES THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH. 

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. 

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager 

who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people 

a company can operate without. 

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 

9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job. 

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car. 

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - 

like, it could be the right number. 

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap. 

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . There's no way you're going to like it. 

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around 

with tattoos in strange places? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!) 

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo. 

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. 

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . and the ones that mind don't matter. 

21. Life isn't tied with a bow .. . . . . . .  but it's still a gift. 

Top Ten list

Why People do not come to church....

10) can’t find a polyester leisure suit anywhere

 9) relate to jazz and rock more than Handel and Bach

 8) would rather sleep in own bed than in pew

 7) one word: hypocrites!

 6) already served time as a child

 5) I gave at the office

 4) during organ music, start craving ballpark hot dogs

 3) can only remember three commandments

 2) feel guilty enough already

And the #1 reason people don’t go to church is . . .

 1)…They haven’t experienced the love and acceptance that is felt at Central Baptist….

 Invite and bring someone with you to Sunday School and Worship this Sunday at Central Baptist.  It could be a day that they remember for eternity.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a "Diet Water" whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11 Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives -- they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . .

“They’re coming home for Christmas and paying their own way.”

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about,” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man said. “We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming home for Christmas and paying their own way.”

Remarks that I really don’t want to hear behind me during church service.

Here are just a few:
• “Dude, I’m gonna hafta call you back. We’re about to pray or something.”
• “Boo-oooo!”
• “The pastor looks really cute today.”
• “Mommy, my tummy doesn’t feel good. I think I’m gonna throw uh—erpleeeeeck!” (Accompanied by a  
     splashing sound against my seat.)
• “Hey there, ladies… nice bibles. You come here often?”
• “Zzzzzzzzzz…”
• “Sweet! I just scored the last Krispy Kreme at the snack table.”
• “He’s good, but he’s no Joyce Meyer.”
• “Dang it, I grabbed my Bhagavad-Gita by mistake. The Message Bible is still in the Prius next to my yoga mat.”
• “You think they’ll mind if I use the offering basket to break a five?”
• “Seven-day sex challenge? Now you’re talking, pastor!”
• “I can’t see the pulpit. The guy in front of me has a melon that could show up on Google Earth.”