Christian One-liners

Found these "Christian" One-Liners on Twitter...thought some laughter would be good for a monday.

 

Hey girl, whenever I read Proverbs 31, I think about you.

I didn't believe in predestination until tonight.

It took God 7 days to change the world, it only takes 7 digits for you to change mine.

Hey, I was reading through the book of Numbers... and I realized, I don't have yours.

If you're looking for your knight in shining armor, I happen to be wearing the full armor of God.

Your beauty alone can make a blind man see.

You and me, we’re like loaves and fishes…we just might be a miracle.

God was just showing off when He made you

The word says 'Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry'; how about dinner?

Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives. He never met someone like you.

Maybe God wasn't the only "Crazy Love" Francis Chan was talking about...

Hi. My name is Will. God's Will.

If we were around with Noah then you.. Me... Pair.

Me. You. Song of Songs: the remix.

How many times do I have to march around you before you fall for me?  

I would say "God bless you", but it looks like He already has.

I believe one of my ribs belongs to you.

You are so fearfully and wonderfully made

Don't worry, I'll sit next to you in prayer so that we can hold hands.

Ayeee boy, you put the STUD in bible study

If I marched around you seven times, would you fall for me?

 You make me feel like Samson with his hair cut off: weak in the knees.

"I heard Jesus called you... How about I do the same?"

If I Were Satan

If I were Satan . . .

I would focus on the churches. I would get members to demand their own preferences. I would urge them to complain about the length of the pastor’s sermons and the color of the carpet. I would set member against member to fight over the right worship style. And I would make the business meeting the time where the most carnal members spoke and fight and destroyed.

If I were Satan . . .

I would encourage church members to avoid high levels of commitment. I would remind them that they are there to get their needs met. I would whisper to them that they shouldn’t be involved in ministry, because that’s why they pay the pastor and staff. And I would urge them to fight one another over tertiary and minor doctrinal issues. I would encourage Christians to identify themselves by their tertiary doctrinal stand and to exclude anyone else who does not match their precise standards.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 I would let the leaders know that it’s okay to minimize and avoid the truths of God’s Word. I would encourage them to preach less Bible and deal with more relevant issues. I would make certain that small groups barely dealt with Scripture, but instead spent most of their time talking about sports, gossip, and politics. I would suggest that members do not need to spend time in the Bible on their own; a thirty minute sermon each week is sufficient time.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 I would make certain church members understood that evangelism is not relevant in today’s society. I would tempt leaders to stay away from urging members to be engaged in gospel sharing lest they offend someone. I would dissuade everyone in the church to think about hell. It’s really better to keep it at as an abstract concept rather contemplating the eternal consequences of rejecting Christ. And I would tell church leaders to send their called pastors and missionaries to seminaries where evangelism is an afterthought.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 I would whisper to Christians in the church not to think about abortion. It is politically incorrect and unpopular to broach the subject. I would tell them not to focus on the reality that over one million babies are killed each year in the United States alone. I would make sure they didn’t know that, in the time of a one-hour worship service in church, more than 130 babies were killed in the United States. I would let them know that it’s okay not to dwell on the greatest slaughter of humanity in the history of our nation.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 I would keep church members so busy that they wouldn’t have time to pray. I would make certain that the leaders are discouraged from ever mentioning prayer as a priority in their congregations. I would assure the members that a brief time of prayer during a brief worship service is sufficient for the totality of their prayer lives. I would indeed do all I could to keep people from prayer, because it’s such a threat to me and my power.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 And if I could do all these things, I am sure I would see churches across America void of power. I would see most churches in both spiritual and numerical decline. I would see Christian fighting Christian. I would see apathy, discouragement, dropout, and disillusionment. And I would look over the landscape of American churches, and I would see all of my victories. Then I would roar with pleasure at the new church order I see, and I would declare:

“It is good.”

“Indeed, it is very good.”

 

(copied from Thom Rainer)