I enjoy reading and laughing at church bulletin bloopers. I came across several new bloopers. At least they are new to me. I hope you enjoy my latest additions to this vital genre of the written language.

• It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.
• The Sunday night men's Bible study will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.
• Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.
• The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
• (An unfortunate blooper during the pastor's illness) God is good! Dr. Hargreaves is better!
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.
• Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
• On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.
• There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.
• Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.
• The concert held in the fellowship hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the pastor's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
• (After the church maintenance man left a note with the church secretary that read “van battery dead,” these words were in the bulletin the next Sunday) Pray for the family of Van Battery who died this week.
• When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
• Men's prayer breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

Please feel free to contribute to the list. I love bulletin bloopers!

12 things Pastors WON'T Hear in Heaven

 

Borrowed Light has a list of 12 things a pastor will not hear in heaven.

I’d really hate to waste my life on things that aren’t significant. Occasionally it is good to step back and wonder about the types of the things you probably will not hear in heaven. So I imagine a scenario where someone that the Lord has called me to shepherd walks up to me in heaven and says, I sure wish that you’d have…
Here are 12 things I doubt would fill in that blank.

1. I wish you’d have shown me more rapture charts
2. I wish you’d have told me steps to making more money
3. I wish you’d have prepared me for what heaven looks like
4. I wish you’d have settled those theological debates
5. I wish you’d have done funnier skits in our worship service
6. I wish you’d have pushed for a bigger building
7. I wish you’d have talked more about politics
8. I wish you’d have preached much shorter sermons
9. I wish you’d have worn ties (or cooler jeans for our postmodern crowd)
10. I wish you’d have given us better pop-culture references
11. I wish you’d have made our worship ambiance better and the transitions smoother
12. I wish you’d have spent the money to fix that pot-hole in the church parking lot

I could probably keep going. Some of these things might be important and they might even be a means to serve and assist people in worship. But they are not ultimate. What I don’t want to fill that blank would be, “I wish you’d have pointed us to Jesus more. I wish you’d have prepared us for heaven better. I wish you’d have preached more to root out sin and unbelief. I wish you’d have encouraged us to lay down our idols more.” Those are the things I don’t want to hear.
What I do want to hear is the sweet and grace filled words of the Chief Shepherd, “well done good and faithful servant”.

7 Common Comments Non-Christian Make About Christian

My blog today is a reprint of a blog that I read recently from Thom Rainer.  In this article, Thom groups the seven most common types of comments in order of frequency that non-Christians make about Christians. He then follows that representative statement with a direct quote from a non-Christian. Read these comments and see if you learn some of the lessons he learned.

1. Christians are against more things than they are for. “It just seems to me that Christians are mad at the world and mad at each other. They are so negative that they seem unhappy. I have no desire to be like them and stay upset all the time.”
2. I would like to develop a friendship with a Christian. “I’m really interested in what they believe and how they carry out their beliefs. I wish I could find a Christian that would be willing to spend some time with me.”
3. I would like to learn about the Bible from a Christian. “The Bible really fascinates me, but I don’t want to go to a stuffy and legalistic church to learn about it. I would be nice if a Christian invited me to study the Bible in his home or at a place like Starbucks.”
4. I don’t see much difference in the way Christians live compared to others. “I really can’t tell what a Christian believes because he doesn’t seem much different than other people I know. The only exception would be Mormons. They really seem to take their beliefs seriously.”
5. I wish I could learn to be a better husband, wife, dad, mom, etc., from a Christian. “My wife is threatening to divorce me, and I think she means it this time. My neighbor is a Christian, and he seems to have it together. I am swallowing my pride and asking him to help me.”
6. Some Christians try to act like they have no problems. “Harriett works in my department. She is one of those Christians who seem to have a mask on. I would respect her more if she didn’t put on such an act. I know better.”
7. I wish a Christian would take me to his or her church. “I really would like to visit a church, but I’m not particularly comfortable going by myself. What is weird is that I am 32-years old, and I’ve never had a Christian invite me to church in my entire life.”

Do you see the pattern? Non-Christians want to interact with Christians. They want to see Christians’ actions match their beliefs. They want Christians to be real.

In one study that was conducted, Rainer found that only five percent of non-Christians are antagonistic toward Christians. It’s time to stop believing the lies we have been told. Jesus said it clearly: “The harvest is abundant, but the workers are few. Therefore, pray to the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest” (Luke10:2, HCSB).

Satan is the author of excuses. There is no reason to wait to reach those who don’t know Jesus Christ. We must go now. The harvest is waiting. And the Lord of the harvest has prepared the way.

God's Providence vs Coincidence

Petra Anderson was in the movie theater watching the Batman movie. A shotgun blast hit her with one of the bullets entering her nose and traveling into her brain. Below is the pastor’s recounting of what the surgeon told the family afterward…

As Petra sleeps, [the surgeon] retells the story of the surgery, and we ask questions. The doctor reads the perfect script, as if he is on Hallmark Hall of Fame. He fills us in on the miracle. Honestly, he doesn’t call it that, he just uses words like “happily” and “wonderfully” and “in a very fortunate way” and “luckily” and “we were really surprised by that.” Kim and I know a miracle when we see it.
It seems as if the bullet traveled through Petra’s brain without hitting any significant brain areas. The doctor explains that Petra’s brain has had from birth a small “defect” in it. It is a tiny channel of fluid running through her skull, like a tiny vein through marble, or a small hole in an oak board, winding from front to rear. Only a CAT scan would catch it, and Petra would have never noticed it.
But in Petra’s case, the shotgun buck shot, maybe even the size used for deer hunting, enters her brain from the exact point of this defect. Like a marble through a small tube, the defect channels the bullet from Petra’s nose through her brain. It turns slightly several times, and comes to rest at the rear of her brain. And in the process, the bullet misses all the vital areas of the brain. In many ways, it almost misses the brain itself. Like a giant BB though a straw created in Petra’s brain before she was born, it follows the route of the defect. It is channeled in the least harmful way. A millimeter in any direction and the channel is missed. The brain is destroyed. Evil wins a round.
As he shares, the doctor seems taken aback. It is an odd thing to have a surgeon show a bit of wonder. Professionally, these guys own the universe, it seems, and take everything in stride. He is obviously gifted as a surgeon, and is kind in his manner. “It couldn’t have gone better. If it were my daughter,” he says quietly, glancing around to see if any of his colleagues might be watching him, “I’d be ecstatic. I’d be dancing a jig.” He smiles. I can’t keep my smile back, or the tears of joy. In Christianity we call it prevenient grace: God working ahead of time for a particular event in the future. It’s just like the God I follow to plan the route of a bullet through a brain long before Batman ever rises. Twenty-two years before.

Denny Burk gives this commentary…
What a smiling providence from God. What an absolute wonder. God did plan it this way. God did have that bullet in mind when He was knitting Petra together in the secret place (Ps. 139:13-15). God had all of Petra’s days numbered before she took her first breath, and her death would not come one day before the Lord’s appointed time (Ps. 139:16).

As we grieve the deaths of so many others, we can be grateful for this one little ray of light. And we can acknowledge that this was no accident. I don’t know why Petra lives and why the precious little six year old does not. But I do know that God is sovereign over all (Eph. 1:11). His ways are higher than our ways (Isa. 55:9). His judgments are inscrutable (Isa. 40:28). He dwells in unapproachable light (1 Tim. 6:16). Yet he made a path through the brain of a baby girl, and 22 years later the appointed bullet made its way down the path exactly according to plan and without damaging the girl’s brain.

THAT my friends is God’s Providence!

If I Were the Devil - (BEST VERSION) by PAUL HARVEY audio restored

My Way, The Highway, or HIS Way

Why is it that many Christians (church members) have a "my way or the highway" mentality? 

Here’s what I don’t understand: How can Christians read the SAME Bible… pray to the SAME God… and be led of the SAME Holy Spirit and not be able to sit down… forgive each other and work things out… FOR GOD’S GLORY?!!!

 It dumbfounds me how we say we are Christians and yet be so prideful and mean to each other by reveling in conflict IN OUR CHURCHES!

What is more important: Being proved right (At any cost) OR God being glorified? Winning the day OR a congregation’s peace being protected? Getting your way OR keeping God’s name from being blasphemed? I can give you the answer to those questions from Paul in 1 Corinthians 6:5-8…

Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers, 6 but brother goes to law against brother, and that before unbelievers? 7 To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? 8 But you yourselves wrong and defraud—even your own brothers!

Read the part in red again. It is better to be wronged and/or defrauded than for the name of Christ to be maligned! It is better to take the hit and suffer than the Christian faith to get a black eye! Maybe what we need is some “Old Light.” By that I mean light from an old (Eternal) source. Namely, God’s Word. One of the biggest mistakes Christians make is failing to trust God and His Word.

James 3:17-18 The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

It should never be a "my way or highway" but a "HIS WAY" mentality that governs our actions and attitude as an individual and as a Church.

( I give thanks to a great friend for pointing me in this direction)

God Brings You to Himself

Today's (May 4) devotion from Henry Blackaby it as great read.

God Brings You to Himself

You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I bore you on eagles' wings and brought you to Myself. (Exodus 19:4)

God did not deliver the children of Israel out of Egypt so that they could enjoy the Promised Land. He freed them from their so they could come to know and worship Him. Three months after they left Egypt, God reminded His people why He had delivered them “on eagles’ wings.” It was to bring the people to Himself. That is, God saved them so that they could enjoy intimate fellowship with Him. The Israelites had been slaves with no freedom to worship God. Now, with their own land, they could come to know and serve God freely. God’s call was not to destroy the idolatrous nations in Canaan, not to settle the lands they conquered, and not to establish a new nation, although all of these would be accomplished. Rather, God called them primarily to be a people who loved and worshiped Him. Through God’s act of deliverance they came to know Him as an almighty and compassionate God, and they were now free to respond_to Him.

We are so activity oriented that we assume we were saved for a task we are to perform rather than for a relationship to enjoy. God uses our activities and circumstances to bring us to Himself. When He gives us a God-sized assignment, its sheer impossibility brings us back to Him for His enabling.

When God allows us to go through crises, it brings us closer to Him.
If we are not careful, we can inadvertently bypass the relationship in order to get on with the activity. When you are busy in your activity for God, remember that God leads you to the experiences in order to bring you to Himself.