Christian One-liners

Found these "Christian" One-Liners on Twitter...thought some laughter would be good for a monday.

 

Hey girl, whenever I read Proverbs 31, I think about you.

I didn't believe in predestination until tonight.

It took God 7 days to change the world, it only takes 7 digits for you to change mine.

Hey, I was reading through the book of Numbers... and I realized, I don't have yours.

If you're looking for your knight in shining armor, I happen to be wearing the full armor of God.

Your beauty alone can make a blind man see.

You and me, we’re like loaves and fishes…we just might be a miracle.

God was just showing off when He made you

The word says 'Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry'; how about dinner?

Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives. He never met someone like you.

Maybe God wasn't the only "Crazy Love" Francis Chan was talking about...

Hi. My name is Will. God's Will.

If we were around with Noah then you.. Me... Pair.

Me. You. Song of Songs: the remix.

How many times do I have to march around you before you fall for me?  

I would say "God bless you", but it looks like He already has.

I believe one of my ribs belongs to you.

You are so fearfully and wonderfully made

Don't worry, I'll sit next to you in prayer so that we can hold hands.

Ayeee boy, you put the STUD in bible study

If I marched around you seven times, would you fall for me?

 You make me feel like Samson with his hair cut off: weak in the knees.

"I heard Jesus called you... How about I do the same?"

If I Were Satan

If I were Satan . . .

I would focus on the churches. I would get members to demand their own preferences. I would urge them to complain about the length of the pastor’s sermons and the color of the carpet. I would set member against member to fight over the right worship style. And I would make the business meeting the time where the most carnal members spoke and fight and destroyed.

If I were Satan . . .

I would encourage church members to avoid high levels of commitment. I would remind them that they are there to get their needs met. I would whisper to them that they shouldn’t be involved in ministry, because that’s why they pay the pastor and staff. And I would urge them to fight one another over tertiary and minor doctrinal issues. I would encourage Christians to identify themselves by their tertiary doctrinal stand and to exclude anyone else who does not match their precise standards.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 I would let the leaders know that it’s okay to minimize and avoid the truths of God’s Word. I would encourage them to preach less Bible and deal with more relevant issues. I would make certain that small groups barely dealt with Scripture, but instead spent most of their time talking about sports, gossip, and politics. I would suggest that members do not need to spend time in the Bible on their own; a thirty minute sermon each week is sufficient time.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 I would make certain church members understood that evangelism is not relevant in today’s society. I would tempt leaders to stay away from urging members to be engaged in gospel sharing lest they offend someone. I would dissuade everyone in the church to think about hell. It’s really better to keep it at as an abstract concept rather contemplating the eternal consequences of rejecting Christ. And I would tell church leaders to send their called pastors and missionaries to seminaries where evangelism is an afterthought.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 I would whisper to Christians in the church not to think about abortion. It is politically incorrect and unpopular to broach the subject. I would tell them not to focus on the reality that over one million babies are killed each year in the United States alone. I would make sure they didn’t know that, in the time of a one-hour worship service in church, more than 130 babies were killed in the United States. I would let them know that it’s okay not to dwell on the greatest slaughter of humanity in the history of our nation.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 I would keep church members so busy that they wouldn’t have time to pray. I would make certain that the leaders are discouraged from ever mentioning prayer as a priority in their congregations. I would assure the members that a brief time of prayer during a brief worship service is sufficient for the totality of their prayer lives. I would indeed do all I could to keep people from prayer, because it’s such a threat to me and my power.

 

If I were Satan . . .

 And if I could do all these things, I am sure I would see churches across America void of power. I would see most churches in both spiritual and numerical decline. I would see Christian fighting Christian. I would see apathy, discouragement, dropout, and disillusionment. And I would look over the landscape of American churches, and I would see all of my victories. Then I would roar with pleasure at the new church order I see, and I would declare:

“It is good.”

“Indeed, it is very good.”

 

(copied from Thom Rainer)

I enjoy reading and laughing at church bulletin bloopers. I came across several new bloopers. At least they are new to me. I hope you enjoy my latest additions to this vital genre of the written language.

• It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.
• The Sunday night men's Bible study will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.
• Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.
• The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
• (An unfortunate blooper during the pastor's illness) God is good! Dr. Hargreaves is better!
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.
• Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
• On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.
• There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.
• Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.
• The concert held in the fellowship hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the pastor's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
• (After the church maintenance man left a note with the church secretary that read “van battery dead,” these words were in the bulletin the next Sunday) Pray for the family of Van Battery who died this week.
• When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
• Men's prayer breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

Please feel free to contribute to the list. I love bulletin bloopers!

12 things Pastors WON'T Hear in Heaven

 

Borrowed Light has a list of 12 things a pastor will not hear in heaven.

I’d really hate to waste my life on things that aren’t significant. Occasionally it is good to step back and wonder about the types of the things you probably will not hear in heaven. So I imagine a scenario where someone that the Lord has called me to shepherd walks up to me in heaven and says, I sure wish that you’d have…
Here are 12 things I doubt would fill in that blank.

1. I wish you’d have shown me more rapture charts
2. I wish you’d have told me steps to making more money
3. I wish you’d have prepared me for what heaven looks like
4. I wish you’d have settled those theological debates
5. I wish you’d have done funnier skits in our worship service
6. I wish you’d have pushed for a bigger building
7. I wish you’d have talked more about politics
8. I wish you’d have preached much shorter sermons
9. I wish you’d have worn ties (or cooler jeans for our postmodern crowd)
10. I wish you’d have given us better pop-culture references
11. I wish you’d have made our worship ambiance better and the transitions smoother
12. I wish you’d have spent the money to fix that pot-hole in the church parking lot

I could probably keep going. Some of these things might be important and they might even be a means to serve and assist people in worship. But they are not ultimate. What I don’t want to fill that blank would be, “I wish you’d have pointed us to Jesus more. I wish you’d have prepared us for heaven better. I wish you’d have preached more to root out sin and unbelief. I wish you’d have encouraged us to lay down our idols more.” Those are the things I don’t want to hear.
What I do want to hear is the sweet and grace filled words of the Chief Shepherd, “well done good and faithful servant”.

7 Common Comments Non-Christian Make About Christian

My blog today is a reprint of a blog that I read recently from Thom Rainer.  In this article, Thom groups the seven most common types of comments in order of frequency that non-Christians make about Christians. He then follows that representative statement with a direct quote from a non-Christian. Read these comments and see if you learn some of the lessons he learned.

1. Christians are against more things than they are for. “It just seems to me that Christians are mad at the world and mad at each other. They are so negative that they seem unhappy. I have no desire to be like them and stay upset all the time.”
2. I would like to develop a friendship with a Christian. “I’m really interested in what they believe and how they carry out their beliefs. I wish I could find a Christian that would be willing to spend some time with me.”
3. I would like to learn about the Bible from a Christian. “The Bible really fascinates me, but I don’t want to go to a stuffy and legalistic church to learn about it. I would be nice if a Christian invited me to study the Bible in his home or at a place like Starbucks.”
4. I don’t see much difference in the way Christians live compared to others. “I really can’t tell what a Christian believes because he doesn’t seem much different than other people I know. The only exception would be Mormons. They really seem to take their beliefs seriously.”
5. I wish I could learn to be a better husband, wife, dad, mom, etc., from a Christian. “My wife is threatening to divorce me, and I think she means it this time. My neighbor is a Christian, and he seems to have it together. I am swallowing my pride and asking him to help me.”
6. Some Christians try to act like they have no problems. “Harriett works in my department. She is one of those Christians who seem to have a mask on. I would respect her more if she didn’t put on such an act. I know better.”
7. I wish a Christian would take me to his or her church. “I really would like to visit a church, but I’m not particularly comfortable going by myself. What is weird is that I am 32-years old, and I’ve never had a Christian invite me to church in my entire life.”

Do you see the pattern? Non-Christians want to interact with Christians. They want to see Christians’ actions match their beliefs. They want Christians to be real.

In one study that was conducted, Rainer found that only five percent of non-Christians are antagonistic toward Christians. It’s time to stop believing the lies we have been told. Jesus said it clearly: “The harvest is abundant, but the workers are few. Therefore, pray to the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest” (Luke10:2, HCSB).

Satan is the author of excuses. There is no reason to wait to reach those who don’t know Jesus Christ. We must go now. The harvest is waiting. And the Lord of the harvest has prepared the way.

God's Providence vs Coincidence

Petra Anderson was in the movie theater watching the Batman movie. A shotgun blast hit her with one of the bullets entering her nose and traveling into her brain. Below is the pastor’s recounting of what the surgeon told the family afterward…

As Petra sleeps, [the surgeon] retells the story of the surgery, and we ask questions. The doctor reads the perfect script, as if he is on Hallmark Hall of Fame. He fills us in on the miracle. Honestly, he doesn’t call it that, he just uses words like “happily” and “wonderfully” and “in a very fortunate way” and “luckily” and “we were really surprised by that.” Kim and I know a miracle when we see it.
It seems as if the bullet traveled through Petra’s brain without hitting any significant brain areas. The doctor explains that Petra’s brain has had from birth a small “defect” in it. It is a tiny channel of fluid running through her skull, like a tiny vein through marble, or a small hole in an oak board, winding from front to rear. Only a CAT scan would catch it, and Petra would have never noticed it.
But in Petra’s case, the shotgun buck shot, maybe even the size used for deer hunting, enters her brain from the exact point of this defect. Like a marble through a small tube, the defect channels the bullet from Petra’s nose through her brain. It turns slightly several times, and comes to rest at the rear of her brain. And in the process, the bullet misses all the vital areas of the brain. In many ways, it almost misses the brain itself. Like a giant BB though a straw created in Petra’s brain before she was born, it follows the route of the defect. It is channeled in the least harmful way. A millimeter in any direction and the channel is missed. The brain is destroyed. Evil wins a round.
As he shares, the doctor seems taken aback. It is an odd thing to have a surgeon show a bit of wonder. Professionally, these guys own the universe, it seems, and take everything in stride. He is obviously gifted as a surgeon, and is kind in his manner. “It couldn’t have gone better. If it were my daughter,” he says quietly, glancing around to see if any of his colleagues might be watching him, “I’d be ecstatic. I’d be dancing a jig.” He smiles. I can’t keep my smile back, or the tears of joy. In Christianity we call it prevenient grace: God working ahead of time for a particular event in the future. It’s just like the God I follow to plan the route of a bullet through a brain long before Batman ever rises. Twenty-two years before.

Denny Burk gives this commentary…
What a smiling providence from God. What an absolute wonder. God did plan it this way. God did have that bullet in mind when He was knitting Petra together in the secret place (Ps. 139:13-15). God had all of Petra’s days numbered before she took her first breath, and her death would not come one day before the Lord’s appointed time (Ps. 139:16).

As we grieve the deaths of so many others, we can be grateful for this one little ray of light. And we can acknowledge that this was no accident. I don’t know why Petra lives and why the precious little six year old does not. But I do know that God is sovereign over all (Eph. 1:11). His ways are higher than our ways (Isa. 55:9). His judgments are inscrutable (Isa. 40:28). He dwells in unapproachable light (1 Tim. 6:16). Yet he made a path through the brain of a baby girl, and 22 years later the appointed bullet made its way down the path exactly according to plan and without damaging the girl’s brain.

THAT my friends is God’s Providence!

If I Were the Devil - (BEST VERSION) by PAUL HARVEY audio restored